When I learned that school had been canceled due to the coronavirus, I was more than a little shocked.  My default coping mode was to get busy and stay positive.  I also knew that I had to move my body and spend time in nature each day. 

Simultaneously, I became less diligent about my daily meditation practice.  Unconsciously, I think that I knew that if I sat still for long, grief and despair would catch up with me.  Anxiety mounted as I tried to stay busy, positive, and focused on service to others.

This past Saturday morning, I awoke at 5am, unable to fall back asleep.  I decided to spend the next couple of hours journaling, meditating, and doing mindful yoga.  The discomfort was immense.  I had a strong urge to get on my computer and start DOING SOMETHING.  But I disciplined myself to stay present until 7am.

An hour later while I was making breakfast for my children, I suddenly broke down sobbing.  I was crying because I felt so much empathy for all of the people struggling.  This situation is somewhat challenging for me, and I offered myself compassion for that.  Additionally, I am aware that there are many, many others who are suffering in big and small ways: people who are living alone and completely isolated from human touch, people who don’t have enough savings to cover their bills, people that might not have enough money to buy food, and people who are dying from this virus. 

My children came into the kitchen to check on me, and I told them that I was crying because this situation is sad.  It is really, really sad.  The three of us hugged one another and mourned together in the kitchen for a period of time.   I cried for a bit more, and then I went back to making pancakes.  I noticed that I felt markedly less anxious after my tears. 

During this pandemic, I am reminded that in addition to practicing gratitude, noticing what is good and being of service to others, we also need to create space to acknowledge and hold ourselves while we grieve.  This situation is incredibly sad, and it is healthy and natural to mourn during these times of collective pain and social distancing.  We can remember that we are not alone in our distress.  We can both grieve and rise together.

Have you ever found yourself stressed out and thinking that you should be more positive and focus more on what’s good in your life?  What if what you actually needed was to lovingly embrace your pain?

The other day a woman E-mailed me asking when I would be teaching my positivity course again.....

A friend of hers had recommended that she take a self-compassion intro workshop with me.  Her friend had shared with her about the transformation that she had experienced through learning to skillfully embrace, rather than avoid challenging emotions.  I found it curious that even though her friend had recommended a self-compassion training, this woman had e-mailed me inquiring about my happiness course.  I recognized a potential pitfall that many of us (including me) can sometimes fall into.

Here was my response to her inquiry:
“Thank you for reaching out.  I usually offer my positivity class when I have a number of ‘graduates’ from my other classes who have learned to meet their struggles with compassion and are ready for the next step. 
 
It's a curious paradox that learning to meet our difficulties with more compassion and kindness can be a gateway to cultivating more positive emotions.  Though certainly we can master lessons in any order, without the previous trainings there can be a tendency to grow positivity as a way to ‘push away’ the difficult, which doesn't work well.”
 
I then told her about the self-compassion workshop that I was teaching.  Among other things, self-compassion training teaches us is to be mindful of our struggles, to recognize that we are not alone, and to practice kindness when we are having a difficult time.  While this can be painful, it is also necessary.  Positivity with out the capacity to "be with" struggles is a recipe for imbalance and increased anxiety.

Please don't misunderstand.  Cultivating gratitude and soaking in the good is absolutely essential to our well-being.  But happiness will elude us when we try to use positivity as a strategy to avoid interfacing with that which is challenging.  Learning to meet our own struggles with compassion is both a gateway and a firm foundation for the happiness that we desire in life.

How you can begin your own self-compassion journey:  The next time you find yourself stressed out, instead of viewing your struggle as a personal failure, see if you can remind yourself that it is natural to feel difficult emotions when you have too much on your plate or when life throws a curve ball your way.  Perhaps you can offer yourself some supportive and encouraging words—words that you might offer to a friend who was having a similar challenge.